i really am glad. this will change, inevitably, this feeling of appreciation. i might as well milk it while it lasts, and hope it lingers, gently, somewhere in my subconscious. i feel grateful; free. despite what a mess the last few months of my life have been, i would be foolish to deny how lucky i am. i'm incredibly fortunate to have loved like i have loved. to have made connections with people on such a raw, emotional level. to have felt full; of passion; of contentment; of simple, childish glee; of inhibition.
i have felt loss. loss so absolute that i have been known to clutch my chest, my sides, the contours of my ribs. kneading in the skin, pushing the fragments together again. hollow, resounding loss. i have lost love, friends, my health, my sanity. i have woken, pushing an eye mask past my lids to blurry, afternoon light, unaware of what day it was, how i got there.
i often wonder how i got here.
but i am glad. if these empty days have taught me anything, it is what i'm capable of. i'm still alive, aren't i? i'm young. i have opportunity.
i hope this blog will help me heal. visible, tangible pieces of myself, my thought processes, my passions. a place where i can be honest, stripped of all pretense. confronting elation, pain, struggles, numbness in it's entirety.