the pain of memory

today is exciting. i saw a photo of you, and felt nothing. nothing and everything, all at once.

the hardest struggle has been memory - precise or imperfect, it's dangerous. i can't shake those fragile moments between us. when our breathing was shallow. entering a hotel room, dizzy with expectation, heightened senses, lying on the unnaturally white blankets. bodies pulsing, clutching. dopey smiles on our faces - we're alone now, baby.

the more i think of those moments, the more pressure i feel in my chest. and the more i realize, maybe you were right. maybe it wasn't that perfect. maybe we got there, and were too tired to appreciate everything. maybe your eye wandered while we held hands, too comfortable. i'll never know. i don't want to.

what i want is to forget. as nice as it is to romanticize...get it the fuck out of my head, all of it. was it real? was it a ruse? it doesn't matter, it's irrelevant, it's over. those places, once having been ripe with meaning, so bright, so inviting in my mind, will fade. the sheets will dirty, will be replaced. weeds will grow, matted along the sidewalks.

this is where it starts. feeling nothing. sweet numbness. i'm getting closer.